Apple of my 'i'

20^th Dec 2010

9:28 AM – my son was born

11:00 PM - And all I did was stare and stare at his tiny form...afraid to lift or hold him for the fear that he might cry

21^st Dec 2010  

11:35 AM– I hold him in my arms and watch him stare at me and I wonder what is going through that tiny little head

7:47 PM – my care taking duties begin and my first experience was not so bad after all :)

22^nd Dec 2010

8:12 AM– his shrill voice echoes in the room and I understand what it means to be clueless all over again (don’t compare this with what women put you through, that’s cryptic but this is utter helplessness)

10:25 AM – I watch him sleep and wonder what he is wishing for?

8:20 PM – he just can’t keep still. He needs to see where he is and who he is with.

11:52 PM – all I can say is that words cannot do justice to the experience of inexplicable joy

The unbearable lightness of being....

I watched those small fingers curl into a tight fist – one so small…but so powerful that I was amazed at complexity of emotion that is evoked by the sight of such a tiny thing. It did not matter that it was not my child. Was it a boy or a girl? It did not matter. All that mattered was the innocence It radiated and my impulse to protect it from any harm.

People might argue that it was my frame of mind and that I was getting ready to be a father but I think this is a lot more than that. I guess it’s this instinctive desire in men to take responsibility for immediate physical protection of their loved ones. If you are a man, answer this – have you ever looked at a woman, it might have been some random stranger or your girlfriend/wife, and felt the need to wrap her in your arms, create this cocoon that will protect her from all the hurt and just watch her smile at you. If you haven’t my friends, your day will come.

 Today for the first time, I felt the real weight of what it could mean to be a father. My wife, who was sitting next to me, says that my face took on this expression of surprise (imagine Shrek being surprised…his conical ears letting out trumpeting sounds..Well something like that :)) and she was scared that I will not breathe. To tell you the fact, I was a little fidgety and scared that in a few weeks; I will have a kid of my own. Thought I have known this for the last 8 months, I never really had a chance to think a lot about it and I keep pushing it away. Cross the bridge when you reach it..yada yada…

But today the bridge came to me. And I am sure that most parents will agree with me here, it is an experience of a lifetime. For the second time in my life, I fell in love. I fell in love with the image of what could be my kid. I fell in love with all the baggage he will bring. I fell in love with the sleepless nights and midnight vigils that people keep talking about. I fell in love with the idea of caring and protecting another human being. And finally, I fell in love with another woman, the mother of my child. Now all I need to do is wait…. :)